Dealing with Disappointment in People

Sometimes people let us down.

It hurts when those people are ones you consider to be your friends or those important to you. It hurts when it is family or even just society. We have expectations of how those people would treat us and it is hard to give them the benefit of the doubt when they hurt us. It becomes a huge source of unsettlement.

However, it’s a really clever trick of the devil. If he can convince us to give up on humanity and hate people, then we’re doing exactly what he did to Adam.

“…I am better than he is: You created me from fire and him from clay.”(Qur’an 7:12)

We think we’re better because “I would never do that to them—I would never do that to anyone.” So we start disliking people and think less of them as a whole based on the few we’ve met. I’ve felt this. It only created arrogance in me and depression.

The conclusion I’ve come to is that each person has their capacity and tries their best to be the best they can be to their capacity and I shouldn’t judge a person according to my ideals because that’s probably what’s disappointing me. Rather, I should take the good that people give and not look at what falls short of my expectations.

For example, if they don’t seem to reciprocate the sacrifices I’m willing to make for them, perhaps they don’t have the means to do so. Perhaps their mental health isn’t in the right place and I never even knew. Perhaps they’re trying to be as nice as they can but they’re struggling with something I can’t understand. We all have our own tests. Allah says:

We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But [Prophet], give good news to those who are steadfast (Qur’an 2:155)

So even if someone else’s situation doesn’t seem hard for you, maybe it is for them and they’re still working out how to handle everything.

Bearing in mind we’ve all lived an individual life helps us to appreciate that we have different experiences, growth levels, maturity, etc. We may assume that our expectation on X is the objectively optimum right course of action and be disappointed when someone else fails to meet it. Maybe they just haven’t reached that level of understanding yet, just as we haven’t reached a perfect understanding in other areas. How would we know anything at all unless Allah ﷻ taught us? Allah ﷻ is Al Haadi, The Guide. Without Allah, we’d be lost. Besides, we’re constantly growing and changing. So even if we think we know the best course of action on X, perhaps even we would change our mind on our own expectation and realise it wasn’t the best thing to do after all.

Moreover, do we never see our own selves slipping and falling from our own ideal—see ourselves having a down day?

For instance, Allah ﷻ is the most deserving of our goodness, but do we not fall short of His expectations ourselves? And does Allah ﷻ not forgive us? No, rather, Allah ﷻ forgives:

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Allah Almighty said: O son of Adam, if you call upon Me and place your hope in Me, I will forgive you despite what is within you and I will not hesitate. O son of Adam, if you have sins piling up to the clouds and then ask for My forgiveness, I will forgive you without hesitation. O son of Adam, if you come to Me with enough sins to fill the earth and then you meet Me without associating anything with Me, I will come to you with enough forgiveness to fill the earth.”

Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3540

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Al-Albani

Allah ﷻ is Maalik ul Mulk, The Master of the Kingdom, yet He forgives. Who are we? Besides, the opportunity to forgive someone is a huge blessing because then we can hope that the forgiveness we give to people, Allah ﷻ will reciprocate by forgiving us. So then wasn’t the opportunity to forgive worth it?

“…and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allāh should forgive you? And Allāh is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Qur’an 24:22)

So, people falling short and disappointing us is actually an opportunity for us. Don’t forget this life is not the eternal abode, this life is the test and any opportunity for our afterlife is a blessing, even if it is a blessing in disguise. However, may Allah ﷻ protect us from difficulties and grant us all ease in this life and the next.

I think we sometimes hold on to people too tightly. Whereas, in reality, we’re all each other’s tests. We’re all being tested as individuals and those we love are a beautiful test. The opportunity to forgive is also a test. If we all love Allah ﷻ and still fall short for Him, falling short for each other isn’t out of the question and it definitely doesn’t mean we love each other any less. All it means is that we’re human.

So we need to forgive people when they fall short of our expectations. If it’s someone we know well, then we also know they’re not like that most of the time. So instead of thinking “these are their true colours”, we can think, “they’ve just temporarily lost their cool, they’ll be back.”

Who is deserving of my friendship more than the thousands of Muslims oppressed and suffering all over the world? Knowing the comforts I enjoy, but the inability to share it with them all is a reality of the weakness on my part. I fall short. I’m not there for everyone when they need me. But just as I hope they’d forgive me for falling short, I should forgive people when they fall short.

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “None of you will have faith until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.”

In another narration, the Prophet said, “None of you will have faith until he loves for his neighbour what he loves for himself.”

Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 13, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 45

Grade: Muttafaqun Alayhi (authenticity agreed upon) according to Al-Bukhari and Muslim

So it’s okay if we don’t actually gain a friendship which works the way we wanted it to. It is an opportunity to connect to Allah ﷻ.

Disclaimer: It is important not to go on the other extreme and endure oppression when there’s a clear way out. For example, in cases of abuse. I would not encourage anyone to remain in such a situation. This article is only referring to average regular disappointment.