A stubborn person's guide to admitting you're wrong

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Perhaps less so for a stubborn person who has come to realise the error of their ways. The Canadian psychologist Dr Jordan B. Peterson says ‘Don’t apologise if you haven’t done anything wrong’. Whilst undertaking a History degree at the University of Oxford, I was hit with an onslaught of ‘constructive’ feedback regarding my writing style and a barrage of criticism for my less than extensive research. Needless to say, I didn’t apologise to anyone and held it in my stride that I, a self-proclaimed creative and free-thinker had resisted the rigid conformity of so-called proper academic practice. However, on recently re-reading some of my History essays I was struck by a brand new thought: some of them are actually pretty rubbish.

Stubbornness—the reluctance to change one’s position on an issue—is a double-edged sword. Remaining steadfast in your beliefs can make for assertive and stable leadership, and render a person less likely to succumb to external pressure. After all, if the current Conservative government had been better at doing what the Conservatives, until recently, do best—sticking with their policies in spite of strong societal opposition—perhaps the past few years would not have been so tumultuous and directionless, characterised by factional in-fighting and a number of indecisive U-turns.

Regardless of the wisdom behind such a policy, the contemporary Secretary of State for Education succumbed to societal pressure famously in the summer of 2020 when he made a U-turn on his previous decision to base exam results on that algorithm. This, of course, only happened in the first place because that same summer, the Conservatives had given in to a similar type of pressure that saw them mimic the likes of China and other countries in ‘locking down’ the country. A policy which, mind you, now seems questionable in terms of achieving what it set out to do.

On the other end of the stick, stubborn Conservative leaders have been reluctant to admit to their mistakes. Once the evidence bears so overwhelmingly contrary to a course of action, sometimes the most decisive thing to do is apologise where necessary, set out a fresh plan in light of the new information and move swiftly on. This is what seems to me to constitute healthy and proactive leadership, where many of the government’s recent U-turns have otherwise appeared reactive and reluctant.

Anyway, enough of politics for now. Stubbornness is not solely limited to individuals who occupy positions of leadership. Some of the most stubborn individuals are those that remain wedded to ideas of which logic and experience are so resolutely opposed that it is remarkable they continue to hold them. This is human instinct no doubt, and their stubbornness is, I suspect, in part a coping mechanism for the heavy internal, moral uncertainty that might follow a confession of ignorance.

Whichever category you fall under, I have compiled some humble advice that I hope might aid in abating your condition.

1. Establish whether you are actually wrong

What we don’t want, is your humbleness and good nature to result in your manipulation. So here’s how I’d suggest you establish whether you are actually wrong. Let’s say you’ve been criticised at work for your handling of a situation: take an example from my own experience training at a retail store in Heathrow Airport. I was told to clear out all the products with Best Before End dates falling within four weeks so that they could be sent to busier stores on airside. In a couple of cases, this resulted in entire flavours of crisps being cleared and I grew frustrated: why couldn’t at least two or three packets remain in case customers still wanted to buy that specific product? My perspective evolved, however, upon talking to another employee who joked about some products having remained on the shelf for about three years. The senior colleague who had instructed me to clean out the shelves handed over a fresh box of stock shortly after, and, though it was of a brand already stocked, there were no longer any empty shelves as a result. At this point I also remembered some advice I’d been given upon starting the job: to respect and listen to what my more experienced colleagues had to say, especially in my first week.

In the case of ideas, a similar process might be acknowledged—asking peers for their opinion, particularly those who are likely to hold a different perspective, and listening with an open mind and willingness to understand. Then, consulting someone who has direct experience with the issue at hand.

Experience is particularly important. One thing I have learnt is that pure logic can only get you so far. Thus, no matter how sophisticated and coherent your arguments or position might seem, it would serve you well to talk with a person who has direct experience at the root of the issue with which you are trying to contend. And you never know, their perspective might surprise you.

Of course, there is a fine line between being taken advantage of and having enough humility to admit to your wrongs. To spot gaslighting, consider a few things: have other, trusted individuals also challenged your position in a similar way? If so, then maybe you should reconsider your perspective. It is very difficult to read into people’s motives sometimes so instead of judging their sincerity, try not to let your emotions influence your assessment of their feedback. Retain some core confidence in your abilities, but treat other people’s criticism as a possible means for levelling-up.

2. Don’t let your beliefs define you

It is possible to rid yourself of long-held beliefs and still remain the same person. Who knew! Character and intrinsic philosophy inform our beliefs: if you focus heavily on perfecting your character and develop a healthy level of compassion and assertiveness, your beliefs will naturally follow suit. In this sense, you define your beliefs. Admittedly, what informs character can vary in utility—there are a number of philosophies that people turn to in order to aid the perfection of their character. I would suggest that some are more helpful than others and so it can be a struggle to finally settle at a philosophy which helps manifest the best version of yourself. Once you’ve found that, focus on yourself, and then what’s right and wrong should become clearer.

If your perspective is led to change on a particular issue or belief, don’t panic. Question why it is that your position has shifted. Personally, I would distinguish between ideology and experience. Ideology is man-made and so subscribing to it can be dangerous; have you been exposed to propaganda that has caused you to become emotionally invested in a set of beliefs or assumptions? On the other hand, experience goes hand in hand with character building and I think that this produces the truest understanding of morality. It is natural for your beliefs and politics to change as a result of experience, whereas what’s less natural is for an ideological stance to inform your very existence and understanding of what’s right and wrong. Unless you can be sure, of course, that the ideology to which you subscribe is the Truth.

But I understand that ideology can be fun sometimes.

3. The confession

Do you know what’s next? It’s the awkward part: admitting that you’re wrong. Contrary to popular thought, apologising can be a sign of strength rather than weakness. That is, given that you have actually made a mistake. If you haven’t, then I wouldn’t… But anyway, let’s not get into that again.

If your situation involves another person or group of people, make it clear that you have genuine regret and are not just apologising to appease them—otherwise, this might have the effect of inflaming tensions further.

4. Learn from your mistakes

I honestly think that making mistakes is the most effective form of learning. So don’t be disheartened if you do something wrong. Just act to mitigate against any immediate further damage and then take steps to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Self-improvement might sound boring but think of it this way: every step you take towards amending your ways is character-building, and character-building is what enables you to gain a better understanding of truth. Once you’ve come to terms with your stubbornness, realise that some of it is actually a good thing, but in high doses it can have a devastating effect.

Conclusions

The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, reportedly once said, ‘say the truth even if it may be bitter’. Sometimes, we need to take a step back and admit to ourselves bluntly that we are in the wrong.

And you must do just that. Even if the internal consequences of realising your mistake are, at least temporarily, as bitter as the thing that first caused it, your soul will thank you for it in the long-term.